I asked myself this: how can you hurt someone this much and yet he still hurt you at the same time.

I never felt this alone in awhile. Or things were that fragile.

I look through our memorabilia envelope and i looked through all our letters, cards, photos even postcards. And all i could think of was nothing. I had a 1000 things running through the back of my mind yet none of them could pop out and strike my senses.

Someone said this, something had to be right in the first place that you fell for him.
True. Very true. But when i think of you. Not even a fraction or shadow of that person exist anymore. Isit because the memory of what i have of you back then too good or that what is left of you now is so bad?

Be it my fault or yours, i wont deny, both of us have been hurt pretty bad. Some knowingly, some unknowingly. between the both of us, theres no need to say who broke more promises or who dealt more hurt to the other. Cause we both are guilty of it. But i guess i would be the ultimate winner if we have to choose anyway.

Things have become this point, there really is no need to blame anyone but myself. Be it bipolar or the ever changing mood of mine. Or was it when i decided i wont do things your way anymore?

Right now, i only want to focus on the good thing, best things, qualities of you. The you i fell for. I dont want to save anymore of that ugly truth we have.

I just want the chapter to close with the beautiful memories i hope i can remember.


Wont deny it doesnt hurt. Cause it does, but grateful all this is over. Im not working at a job which force me to interact. Not together with someone who i try hard to please and still feel inadequate. One thing quo status will be this hell hole. But honestly, whats so different, it has been for years. Just yearning so much for myself to get outtttt!!! That will have to wait.

Looking back, im glad for all the memories, all the unhappy times or happy times, this job has made me learnt alot. Met people who still is and will be part of my life. The psychopaths who made me stronger, those friendly people who made those trips memorable. It a chapter of my life closed. TIME TO START TO GET USED TO NEW LIFESTYLE.=[

One thing i realised recently,okay, recalled i should say. I can be heartless when i want. I keep thinking of all the hurt i go through until i feel so numbed and its like they dont matter anymore. Until i remembered, i did that to R before. And at that moment i start to regret being that harsh. But really, what use isit gonna be being nice? Nothings gonna get done, nothings ending. All
Im allowing is myself another chance to hurt myself or hurt that person once more. Not fair to anyone of us.
And i have learnt the hard way isnt it? That the ones with the ability to numbed me are those who will hurt me no matter what. When i have nothing they want, they dont stop demanding, they increase it. They always strike where it hurt the most and expect me to forgive and forget. Leave me alone when they feel like and only think of me when they want to. The people who think they have the right to demand things of me when they dont deserve shit. Yet time and time again i be the fool and chose to do it their way until i realised, im losing myself. Im not living for myself. And i broke loose. So you people can deal with this when i turn my back against you all and go my own way.




just as i checked in the hotel at narita, baby sprung a surprise visit on me. Just to celebrate his birthday with me! Was extremely happy cause i haven seen him in 11 days and he visited me despite the short stay and all. I love this guy! Just as he appear like outta thin air, he brought gifts for me as well, so im beyond happy that i get to spend his birthday with him and at the same time get a surprise! I love the lizard he got me and birks tatami as well, me wanting them then saying not getting it, cause i dont need it. Baby still gotten me the tatami! Much better than the one i want.


Managed to meet sweets in frankfurt for a short day. Met up with vivian too!! =D went to Sightsee.. Am thankful for small coincidences like these. Had a little mini surprise when i reached Frankfurt too by sweets!<3


Ash Love drove me and mummy up north to malacca for a short weekend and getaway for wern's birthday. Was really draining on him but he did that all for us to have a good time and i hope he did!=D
i feel so loved when i see him trying to make the effort to talk to my family despite the language barriers and that he was tired the whole time made me even more appreciative of it. Basically he had to drive, deal with me and my family. So for that i think he already deserves to be the best bf on earth!!=]] not to mention they all love him. I feel bliss in my own little way. And im thankful ash love for just being by my side.
True that, we may alway have our arguments and differences but at the end of the day as long as you are beside me, loving me, all others i can deal. We may not be the same as all the other couple but in our way, i love you. However abstract that may be.


I just expect a little more tolerance. Someone who would accept me as a whole, including my negative points and angsts.
R:"when someone loves you as you are and not what they want you to be"
I give up. Useless trying to justify any of our pov.


Recently decided to paint my room green. Wanted to get a professional painter to do the job but Sweets suggested we do it ourselves. Just after my milan and his hkg turn without sleep, early in the morning we started shifting the furnitures and buying the paints. We started painting in the afternoon and didn't finished until about 2am. he's amazing for doing that with me. Was real tiring but somehow doing things together made it a little better!

Baby thanks for painting my room with me and being there for me!!<3

i’m just who I am, who I suppose to be.
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